The rules we live by

Shortly after my 33rd birthday, I began a note on my iPhone.

"Kim's Rules for Living," it was called.

Though I had proclaimed that I had no goals for this year or bucket list to complete, I had wanted some guidelines. I wanted parameters - in writing - within which I wanted to live my life. The list was seemingly benign - drink 80 ounces of water a day, remember to wash my face at night. The list, and following it, would shape me (physically) to end 33 better than I had started.

In my short stint in therapy, the issue of rule making was raised. According to her, the therapist, my tendency to create rules is - or could be - rooted in extremes and sets me up for trouble when due diligence is no longer paid. She didn't necessarily say that rule making was bad but she didn't seem to favorable, either, especially as she identified that I have a tendency to be all or nothing.

"What happens when you don't follow the rules?"

I thought hard about the question. Long and hard I thought about the question. I wasn't really sure how to answer it. Part of me was inclined to say that nothing happens when I live outside the parameters I've set up for myself. The other part of me knew that nothing isn't really nothing.

I get upset.

I spiral.

I get more upset.

I overcompensate, trying to climb up from the spiral - whether it's creating even stricter rules or exercising more. And though I wouldn't classify myself as disordered, the cycle is.

I've been revisiting that conversation a lot lately as I try to live within a new set of rules that I made for myself. Nearly four weeks ago, frustrated by my lack of self control eating wise, I cut out sugar. I've done it before as part of Dr. Fuhrman's Healthy Holiday Challenge and again (and again) as a way to reset bad habits. I stop eating candy, cookies, ice cream. I start eating more fruit, more vegetables. I explore new ways to snack and satisfy my post-dinner sweet tooth.

Usually, getting rid of sugar is enough of a challenge for me, but I was also listening to "Wheat Belly." The more I heard, the more I was curious. What would it be like to give up wheat? Would I be able to do it? What would happen if I did? Three-quarters of the way through the information, I decided to give it a go. I would stop eating wheat. If anything, I thought, it would reset my obsession and overconsumption with/of homemade sourdough bread.

Surprisingly, it wasn't that hard to give up wheat. I had to rethink a few dinners and get creative when I went to my in-law's for pasta but otherwise, it seemed doable. It has been doable. I have been struggling, though - with the why and the how. Why am I really doing this? How long do I want to do this?

I do know that creating rules helps me to feel safe. The rules keep me on a path that doesn't lead me back to weighing what I once did. The rules help me feel in control and, when I was heavier, I never felt in control. The safer and more control I feel, the more likely I am to feel confident - or at least treat myself kindly. The counterbalance, of course, is that I can use the rules as a crutch to be restrictive and give me ways out in social situations that make me feel unsettled.

I wonder how long I can do this and, not only that, but how long do I want to. Do I forever want to be gluten free? Or is it just until I feel or look a certain way? Is life really life if you are always saying, "No, I can't."

Of course, there's no real answer to those questions. Not yet, anyway. As the therapist would surely say, I need to be honest about what happens if I discover I can't live by the rules.

Reading, lately {A Three Things Thursday Post}

I used to read books. Once upon a time, you know. Chick lit and memoirs (ah, Jen Lancaster, I love you). I sometimes got into historical books and biographies, and there was the obligatory running book.

These days, though, when the time comes to rest my butt, all I want to do is space out. Veg. Watch TV. Recently, it has been a marathon of "The Killing" thanks to Netflix. I finally made it through the first two seasons, which if you watch the show, you know why it's such a milestone. I hate to love that show.

But I digress.

As much as I say I don't have time to read, I have found myself wrapped in a few things lately.

1. OK, this first item isn't technically a book but I have been studying it. A lot.

The Bourbon Chase map! Our team captain is getting to the nitty gritty of things - like van and leg assignments - and we got to put in for our top picks.

When it comes to relays, it's important to be honest with yourself and your abilities. I am not going to pick the hilliest legs because a) I don't like hills; and b) I live in northeast Indiana where the best hills are on the golf course. I don't mind longer runs, though, so the higher mileage doesn't throw me. I asked to be runner 6 or runner 9, and I got penciled in for 6. I loved being a major exchange runner for Hood to Coast, so I'm amped that I will be for Bourbon Chase. Plus, when I'm done, the van is done. (Read: FOOD.)

2. Speaking of food, when I was advised to take a look at my carb consumption and the possible link to depression, I went in search of information - research or anecdotal. I had received positive feedback about Whole 30 and was then led to "Fitness Confidential" by Vinnie Tortorich. I am reading the latter but before my friend gifted me the book, I picked up "Wheat Belly" on audiobook from the library.

I am not here to support or dispel the claims in the book but I will say that I found it very interesting. It definitely made me re-examine the amount of processed wheat in my diet and the affect that it has on my physical and mental well-being. It is quite scientific in its tone, especially in the early parts, and I'm not sure I could have gotten through it in traditional print format. The audiobook was nice, and it came with a PDF of documents and recipes.

3. And, on the opposite end of the spectrum, I've been reading "The Fit Bottomed Girls Anti Diet." As the title suggests, this book is the anti-diet diet book. There are no menu plans or workout schedules. There's no list of safe foods or an even longer list of things that are forbidden. It's a book about getting healthy and, well, feeling healthy doing it.

The book is written by the authors of the popular blog Fit Bottomed Girls - Jennipher Walters and Erin Whitehead - and reading the book feels very much like reading the blog. The tone is conversational, the advice practical. So much so, and I don't mean this in a negative way, that the book feels a little bit like a Weight Watchers meeting. Your leaders - Jennipher and Erin - address a topic (from eating to exercise to well being) and offer solutions that could be applied without disrupting the whole family. Some of them, like WW, seem a bit "duh" but we have to remember that information wasn't always "duh."

Some of the things that stuck out to me were fighting with the scale and why you were doing it, which felt quite relevant to me personally; how to take compliments with grace and accept them; and 10-minute fixes.

The publishers of "The Fit Bottomed Girls Anti Diet" provided me with a copy free of charge for review ... and are offering three copies for me to giveaway. Enter using the widget below!

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