The rules we live by

Shortly after my 33rd birthday, I began a note on my iPhone.

"Kim's Rules for Living," it was called.

Though I had proclaimed that I had no goals for this year or bucket list to complete, I had wanted some guidelines. I wanted parameters - in writing - within which I wanted to live my life. The list was seemingly benign - drink 80 ounces of water a day, remember to wash my face at night. The list, and following it, would shape me (physically) to end 33 better than I had started.

In my short stint in therapy, the issue of rule making was raised. According to her, the therapist, my tendency to create rules is - or could be - rooted in extremes and sets me up for trouble when due diligence is no longer paid. She didn't necessarily say that rule making was bad but she didn't seem to favorable, either, especially as she identified that I have a tendency to be all or nothing.

"What happens when you don't follow the rules?"

I thought hard about the question. Long and hard I thought about the question. I wasn't really sure how to answer it. Part of me was inclined to say that nothing happens when I live outside the parameters I've set up for myself. The other part of me knew that nothing isn't really nothing.

I get upset.

I spiral.

I get more upset.

I overcompensate, trying to climb up from the spiral - whether it's creating even stricter rules or exercising more. And though I wouldn't classify myself as disordered, the cycle is.

I've been revisiting that conversation a lot lately as I try to live within a new set of rules that I made for myself. Nearly four weeks ago, frustrated by my lack of self control eating wise, I cut out sugar. I've done it before as part of Dr. Fuhrman's Healthy Holiday Challenge and again (and again) as a way to reset bad habits. I stop eating candy, cookies, ice cream. I start eating more fruit, more vegetables. I explore new ways to snack and satisfy my post-dinner sweet tooth.

Usually, getting rid of sugar is enough of a challenge for me, but I was also listening to "Wheat Belly." The more I heard, the more I was curious. What would it be like to give up wheat? Would I be able to do it? What would happen if I did? Three-quarters of the way through the information, I decided to give it a go. I would stop eating wheat. If anything, I thought, it would reset my obsession and overconsumption with/of homemade sourdough bread.

Surprisingly, it wasn't that hard to give up wheat. I had to rethink a few dinners and get creative when I went to my in-law's for pasta but otherwise, it seemed doable. It has been doable. I have been struggling, though - with the why and the how. Why am I really doing this? How long do I want to do this?

I do know that creating rules helps me to feel safe. The rules keep me on a path that doesn't lead me back to weighing what I once did. The rules help me feel in control and, when I was heavier, I never felt in control. The safer and more control I feel, the more likely I am to feel confident - or at least treat myself kindly. The counterbalance, of course, is that I can use the rules as a crutch to be restrictive and give me ways out in social situations that make me feel unsettled.

I wonder how long I can do this and, not only that, but how long do I want to. Do I forever want to be gluten free? Or is it just until I feel or look a certain way? Is life really life if you are always saying, "No, I can't."

Of course, there's no real answer to those questions. Not yet, anyway. As the therapist would surely say, I need to be honest about what happens if I discover I can't live by the rules.

Sweet nothings

Sacrifice.

When embarking on a weight-loss journey, it is nearly inevitable that a person is going to have to make sacrifices - especially when it comes to food - because, last time I checked, a large Mint Oreo Blizzard wasn't in most eating plans. There's cutting things out entirely, reducing portion size (though a mini Blizzard still clocks in at xxx calories) or finding innovative ways to enjoy the qualities of certain foods without the calories.

And we've all seen those innovative ways. "Guilt-Free" Hazelnut spread, black bean brownies, protein pudding. But those innovations can sometimes (or) introduce artificial sweeteners and ingredients.

When I was in the thick of Weight Watchers, I was an "innovation queen." I would whip up Pumpkin Fluff that had sugar-free pudding and low-fat whipped topping, each carrying a long list of ingredients. Low-fat ice cream was a favorite but some of he treats have high fructose corn syrup. I made oatmeal variation after oatmeal variation that included my new favorite ingredient, stevia. And, of course, there was the Diet Coke.

I thought that the swaps I was making were what I had to do - and it probably was - and in the beginning, didn't think much beyond that. As I became successful, I told myself and touted that they were healthy. They were such a part of my daily eating habits that I couldn't imagine giving them up.

And then, in November, a co-worker posted a link to Dr. Fuhrman's Healthy Holiday Challenge. The 60 day challenge was a way for Eat to Live followers to reconnect with their lifestyle, which eschews oil, salt, white flour and sweeteners of all varieties among other things. For me, it was a way to disconnect from habits that I was beginning to think weren't so healthy and sever ties with Diet Coke.

I didn't make it the whole 60 days (hello, Christmas) but I did manage to kick my Diet Coke habit and rid my diet of artificial sweeteners. It is true. The girl who put stevia in everything has not touched a substitute intentionally since November (save for the diet soda I had when I had food poisoning).

I was eating sugar, though - and lots of it. But sugar had to be healthier, in moderation, than the substitutes, I reasoned.

Don't worry, the irony wasn't lost at me.

And so I found myself at a cross-roads. Just what kind of sweetener is OK? Honey and maple syrup are natural but still provide a sweet taste that I crave and pack some calories. Traditional sugared treats often send me into a tailspin of indulgence that leaves me feeling guilty. Stevia is "natural" but I find that people use it too frequently to make these faux desserts that are often not solving the need or addiction but putting a bandage on it.

Editor's note: This could be my own issues speaking and is merely my perception.

It's something I have been struggling with for the past couple months. I wanted to eat dessert but I wanted to eat clean and I wanted to control my weight. I thought I could do it with portion control but after a particularly bad bender last week, I found myself revisiting some of the foundations of Dr. Fuhrman's Eat to Live protocol. It's almost as if it's a cleanse, ridding the body of addictive, artificial ingredients and introducing control and willpower.

It's been nine days since I've intentionally eaten anything with added sugar and I plan to continue with it for at least the month of April as Laura at Mommy Run Fast posted a Sugar Detox Challenge for the month. Her initial post had some really interesting things to say about sugar and today she offers tips for overcoming sugar cravings. (I'm a big fan of the sweet vegetables as this weekend I added sweet potato and carrots to my wheat pancake mix, skipped the sugar and enjoyed every bite.)

I love the accountability of the challenge but, more importantly, I'm hoping to find a middle ground where I can eat a dessert here and there without a tail spin and find a definition for my healthy.

What is your relationship with sugar? Do you think certain sugar substitutes are OK? Do you think you are up for the challenge?