Thursday, September 29, 2016

Straight Talk

It's 7:21 a.m., and I'm sitting at the kitchen table. Miles is working on his homework; Si is sitting in his high chair, eating fruit snacks and flipping through "Don't Push The Button." We have 20 minutes until we need to exit the front door and 30 minutes until I need to put the minivan into drive and head to school.

It's a rare moment of calm this morning. Si was up at 5:05 a.m. and was screeching by 5:20 a.m. Screeching – that's his new thing. It's not endearing in the least bit. In fact, it's maddening and I have to keep myself from either screaming back at him or locking myself in the bathroom with a cup of coffee and earplugs.

Oh. There was another scream. I guess Si has finished his fruit snacks. I could go get him another pack but let's be honest, he shouldn't have had the first pack.

And while we're keeping real, here's a few things going on in my world.

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Mom guilt. I'm having lots of it. I feel like the grind of the work week and my extracurricular activities, the things that make me me and make me happy, leave me with absolutely no time with the kids. I get home at 6 p.m., make dinner and by the time we've finished, it's time for bed. I try to have meaningful conversations with Miles to make up for it but it's hard when we're either fighting the "it's too hot" battle or trying to get Si to shut the heck up. Or keep the dog from stealing bites. Or keeping one or both boys in their seats. I think there will be a breaking point and something will have to give. I'm not sure when it will be but I hope it coincides with me becoming independently wealthy.

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Post-long run breakfast with the girls

Food fight. After I finished Whole30, I sort of stayed Whole30. And then I was no sugar, no grains with a sprinkle of life into living. I then had a treat a week. Then treats only on the weekend. And then, I just ate a treat a day but stayed away from grains. Blah, blah, blah. Instead of living this super clean life, I'm sort of half assing it. I'm still far better than I used to be – eating a gluten-free piece of toast feels indulgent – but not where I want to be. I need to find a happy place because I need to make some diet changes – and I do mean NEED – based on my InsideTracker results and said changes will need me to redefine what foods are "bad."

Quad city. I'm talking about legs here. After running Ragnar Trail Cascades with Team Nuun, my legs were far sorer than they had ever been. It took me almost three or four days to walk normally and a good week to have no residual soreness. It was almost embarrassing. I expected some trouble since I'm not used to that kind of terrain but DAMN. I had doubted whether I could call the race a long run, especially since some of the legs came up short, but I'm thinking that I did a lot of muscle building. 

Joe kidding me. While I was in the PNW for the race, I had the amazing opportunity to go to the original Starbucks, aka Mecca. But because I was feeling so sick, I didn't get anything save for a mug. Let me repeat that: I DID NOT GET COFFEE AT STARBUCKS. It was a sad day, and I think I need to make a return trip to rectify it.

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Pre-swim lesson smiles

Sink or swim. Miles started swim lessons this summer, and I was hot to keep them up. He liked them and as someone who fears the water, it was important for me that he is comfortable. When I was looking at the upcoming session at the YMCA, I saw there was a Wednesday night class – not just for Miles but Si as well. And it got the wheels turning. I could take Si and Miles to their lessons and I would get good bonding time; Mark could work out or have some time alone; and Mark and I could connect over dinner after getting the kids down. It seemed like a win-win-win. But here's some notes:

• Things never work out perfectly. Si loves the water but doesn't love working in the water. Remember that screeching I mentioned? It is super fun in the pool. This whole scheme to ease the mom and wife guilt seems to be making more stressed with my kids and, as a result, more guilty that I'm not loving it.

• I had to check myself after entertaining some negative body image thoughts. Most of it centered on the way my tankini bottoms fit and my lack of a bosom, both of which are what they are. I reminded myself that people are focused on the babies in the class and not how I look. 

• Swim diapers absorb nothing. If you hold a baby in a swim diaper on your lap after his lesson, there is a 110 percent chance he will piss on your leg – especially if you've already put on your pants.

This is me. I have been super excited about the debut of "This Is Us" on NBC, as it reminded me of "Parenthood" and seemed like a show I could really love. Plus, Mile Ventimiglia. The night of the first episode, I stayed up and watched it. I was so proud as I'm usually rubbing my eyes by 8:30 and in bed by 9 p.m. But I did it. I stayed up till 10 and through the entire hourlong episode. Last night, I had hoped to do it again. Not so much. I went to bed at 8:45 p.m.

I guess I just need to admit that I'll be abdicating my position as Mother of the Year with a pint of ice cream in hand and "Gilmore Girls" on Netflix. 

4 comments:

  1. You are amazing and the fact that you even feel mom guilt is a sign that you're a good mom. Also, Ragnar totally counts as a long run! It looked so beautiful! I really want to do Ragnar or some relay event next year when I'm taking my marathon sabbatical.

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    1. DO IT!!!!!!

      I had seriously entertained Grandma's when you mentioned it but I'm doubtful that I'll do a full next year. Relays and shorter distances are way more fun.

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  2. it is my opinion that life with little kids is DIFFICULT. no matter what you do, how you do it or whatever - it's HARD. You're doing great! You might be your own worst critic. They'll never remember the (ugly) details - just that you loved them. And that's what counts (or at least, that's what I tell myself..)

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