Wednesday, April 13, 2016


On Sunday, Master Silas Jasper turned 1 year old.

 photo IMG_20160410_175421_zps1op5hv05.jpg

There was a party, a cake and dozens of friends and family.  We talked, we laughed and we celebrated a boy who has been such a force in our lives the past year.

"Force" – what a way to describe Si. Perfect, really. He is a force. Temperamental and stubborn, demanding and cautious.

 photo FB_IMG_1429049023577_zpszoajilx3.jpg

Of course, I think, when I look back to those days 55 or so weeks ago. He was butt down, legs out and had no interest in moving from that position – no matter what I tried.

As he did then, Si does things his way and in his own time. It’s been a challenge, I have to admit. In fact, I had a whole post written out, discussing the frustration I often feel being a mom to Si and the struggle as I learn to balance our new bigger family. The rough, sleepless nights; the stress that comes with breastfeeding; the worry about how he measured up.

How I measured up as a mother. After all, some of my worst moments have happened since Si was born.

But as I spent the weekend celebrating with family and friends, it all seemed so self-serving. And isn't a part of motherhood, at least a sliver, to be selfless?

To be truthful.

Try as I might to spin the woe as me tale, I can’t ignore the good things – and good there is. I have a healthy (mostly) boy. He has two hands and two feet, 10 fingers and 10 toes. He has two gorgeous brown eyes, four teeth and one smile that is 110 percent contagious. He might be small (size 3 diapers and maybe 17ish pounds) but a big personality. 

A photo posted by Kimberly (@healthystrides) on

Silas is not independent, though I was lax in efforts to encourage such a characteristic. He likes to be held, to be close. To me, preferably, but he has a deep affinity for my father-in-law and he adores his big brother. It is my position that he only learned to crawl and later pull himself up because it was the best way to create more opportunities for holding.

He does not walk and is only now learning to cruise. And despite insistent remarks from family that he should be talking as well, he is not there either. Well, to clarify: He says “uh-oh” and possibly “hi” but I have yet to have the heart-melting moment of hearing him murmur “mama.”

I’m not sure I need to. Not yet, not when he nuzzles into my chest and breathes softly during his 1 a.m. feeding. Not when he still looks so much like a baby as I hold him in my arms.

But I’m not naïve to the situation. I know that he should do things. I want him to do things and so we’ve began the process to have him evaluated for possible delays. In less than a week, I will hold my breath as two therapists play with him to see whether he qualifies for services.

 photo 20160410_141151_zpsqvkarjrt.jpg

Sometimes the worry that accompanies such a meeting is hard to wrap up neatly and package with a tidy bow to tuck away when I talk to people. However, it wasn’t difficult on Sunday when we had his party. My family and friends (most of them, anyhow) didn’t see a dot on a development chart. They saw a boy who approached life with caution as he dipped his fingers delicately into the cake. They saw a child who stared up at his great grandmother, a glint of mischief in his eye, as he tried to make a toy of her walker.

They saw a boy who loved his mother and a mother who loved him.


  1. Beautiful. Happy birthday Silas! I can't believe he's one already.

    I also had Anderson evaluated about four months ago because he wasn't talking much and what he was saying could be really hard to understand. Since the evaluation, he's blossomed. He didn't walk until he was 15 months old, either. Good for you for being on top of the evaluation process. Whether he qualifies for services or not, I hope the evaluation process gives you some much deserved reassurance that he will get to where he needs to be and you've done great.

  2. Happy Birthday, Silas!

    It seems like people are so caught up these days in evaluating and rating childrens' progress. I can't imagine it was like that when we were kids, was it? Whatever happens at that meeting, I know you will work with him to get him to where he needs to be. (and where he needs to be SPECIFIC for him :) )

    1. Such a good point. My grandma tells me all the time to stop worrying about the charts. It's hard because I think parents (me, even, at times) use them as a measure of success. "My baby is in the 95th percentile for weight and height. Didn't I do a great job creating a big baby?!" I stopped worrying about those because I make little babies and someone has to be little. Also, I think they are skewed as American babies get bigger and bigger. Ugh. I'm starting to rant. But very good point.

  3. Happy birthday, Silas! I've loved following your motherhood journey, both times :-)

    If it makes you feel better, my daughter never rolled over, didn't army crawl until she was 11.5 months old, and didn't walk or say more than 3 words until 15 months. I worried, but now she's a precious and active 3.5 year old who will. not. be. quiet. ever. Instinctively I knew it was just a unique combination of a very cautious personality and a tendency toward being a stubborn butthead ;-) If your spidey senses are telling you to have him evaluated, kudos for being proactive! Just try not to worry too much. "Delayed" or not, he's just traveling his own unique path to becoming the person he was meant to be. :-*

    1. Stubborn? I would not have no believe it. And my child stubborn? Puh-lease :P

      The way you describe A sounds a lot like Si. He's got a fire in his eyes. Our daycare provider, though, played a bit into my fears and encouraged me to check into the evaluation process. If anything, I hope it will just ease my fears. Our daycare is great about working with kids with different needs and so I think she maybe projects some of that onto other kids. So there's that for spidey senses.

      P.S. I am checking your Instagram daily for baby news. Wishing you all kinds of good things!

  4. happy birthday Si!!

    as far as development, all I'll say is trust your gut. some kids are pokey - he may very well just be biding his time. that said, services NEVER hurt if you have good people to work with, so why not get it all checked? here's hoping that they say he's perfect :)

    but even after you hear what they say, remember....YOU are his mama. YOU know best.

    1. I <3 you. And I love your last sentence.

      I definitely think he just does what he wants when he wants and, to an extent, we won't change that. Case in point: I called for an evaluation, two days later he decided to pull himself up. We had the intake meeting and a few days after that, he decided to figure out how to get himself from lying down to sitting up (he doesn't roll back to front). I swear that I can see it in his eyes and the tantrums - he's learning manipulation early :/

      Some of our motivation for the evaluation was daycare as our provider was starting to be concerned. She cited a possible social-emotional delay but I think some of those related concerns are a reaction to a challenging group of kids at the place. (A new family came and changed the dynamic. I love the providers but oof. I'm trying to be patient and pray.)

  5. Awww, this is such a sweet post. You know what I saw Sunday? A happy, happy kid. That's all that matters. (Well, and it helps that he's adorable ...) :)

  6. happy birthday SI! My now 4 year old daughter never allowed me to put her down for a minute the first year ! Untill this day she doesn't know how to play on her own nor entertain herself. She is stuck to us every minute of the day. she might be high need but giving her what she wants allowed her to become more confident.. It also allowed her to have empathy towards us . She truly loves us and is cautious about our feelings. Holding her so close all the time made her become emotionally intelligent ... So keep holding him and keep giving him what he wants because it will only help him blossom. Also I hate giving advise but sleep training our little one helped her progress physically and she was able to focus better hence speak better (could be a coincidence but I def saw a difference in her behaviour once she slept better).

  7. So glad to hear that you are viewing Si's development through eyes of deep love and also with a desire to do what's right for him. Don't be afraid of getting services for him if they can help. The whole goal of developmental services is to help kids reach their entire potential, and that's what we all want for our kids!

    Both of our boys benefitted hugely from speech therapy (the 7 year old still receives services), and an early developmental evaluation for our older one put us on track to make changes in his diet, upbringing, and education that have been incredibly good.

    Thank you for sharing this. I think your openness may help other people in a similar situation.