Thursday, May 30, 2013

Stripped down

My most recent excursion to Old Navy didn't just net some free workout wear. Inside the white plastic bag, along with the capris and tank, was something I've been wanting to buy my entire life. Something I've stared at longingly, hoping that one day I would earn the privilege of owning. Something, I am nearly ashamed to admit, that I consider a status of beauty and fitness.

A bikini. A green and white polka dot bandeau bikini.

When I declared 2013 the year to Make Shit Happen, I had told myself - and Mark - that I wanted to get over myself, get over my insecurities, and buy the bikini I had long considered a hard-earned reward for losing weight and then losing the baby weight and then keeping it off. The one I thought I should be able to wear because the scale reads 12X.

But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do it. I would try on the two-piece swimsuits and get disgusted. The bottoms would be too small and the extra skin of my lower abdomen would flop over ... or under ... or both. Boy suit bottoms would come down right where my saddlebags begin, further accentuating the bulges that can't be calorie counted and exercised away. High-waisted suits came to the upper belly fold, marking the spot of a pocket of excess skin and fat around my belly button.

One day, at Kohl's, I thought I had finally won. The pinky-coral suit was cut better than any I had ever tried. The low-rise bottoms covered every thing I needed without coming up to the bulge. The top was padded, a must for my barely-there A cups. I exited the dressing room to show Mark the best-case scenario but rather than strutting out, I slunk. Even showing my husband, the guy who has seen me naked and cut open, I was embarrassed. All I could see in the suit was a bony upper torso, a belly roll and heavy thighs - not the healthy, fit woman I was hoping to find. I shook my head and quickly made my way to change. Tears welled in my eyes as I hung it up, struggling to accept that I just don't have the bikini body.

We talked about skin removal on the way home, a conversation that has persisted over the years as I live with the effects of significant weight loss. He ... I ... we've almost come to accept it as an inevitable way to close the door on who I used to be. Mark is supportive, saying we would find a way to pay for it, but I struggle on undergoing an expensive, extensive procedure for the sake of vanity. It's not guaranteed to make me happy, it will take me off the trails for at least six weeks and it will inhibit my ability to parent.

That day, I gave up on the idea of 2013 being the year I put on a bikini. Maybe, if I did get the cajones to have the surgery (next year at the earliest), I would try again. I even looked at before-and-after photos of tummy tucks and lower-body lifts to give myself some hope.

But last Tuesday, as C tried on Old Navy activewear capris, I found myself perusing the swimwear rack, attracted to a "sale" sign like a moth to a flame. The polka dots were so cute. Green is one of my favorite colors. Bandeau tops are my favorite. A glutton for punishment, I opted to try it on. "It couldn't hurt," I thought.

The bottoms slid on and stopped two inches below my belly pouch. In a size medium, the sides didn't dig in and create any overhang. The strapless top showed off hard-earned deltoids and shoulders, and a bit of padding helped the girls out. Like the suit at Kohl's, it was as good as it was going to get on me. Still I waffled.

"Oh, that's cute!" C said, spying the suit over my arm as she exited the fitting room. "Are you going to get it?"

I wasn't sure, I told her. I wasn't sure I could pull it off. She assured me that I could - I was young. Young, yes. Flat abs, no. "Who cares?" she said, urging me to purchase it.

And who does care? Besides me. Probably no one. Or not one of the people who will be around to see it. As a family friend recently told me, everyone is too wrapped in their own insecurities to care about yours. So, I bought it.

I took it home and left it in the bag, not even telling Mark that I had picked it up. I didn't want him to know as part of me wasn't committed, wondering whether I should take it back. The other part? Well, she thought I should keep it and wear it. Proudly. Because every stretch mark, every centimeter of excess skin - they are like battle scars. Battle scars from crusades I won and from a war I sill continue to fight.

Four days, though. It was four days before I mustered up the courage to put it back on and model it for Mark, who, to my surprise,  he was incredibly positive. He said he liked the pattern and the fit was better than the coral number at Kohl's. Sure, the belly was there but there's nothing I could do about that.

So I kept it. Sort of. Old Navy had a special Memorial Day sale on its suits - even better than the day I bought it - prompting me to return/swap/exchange it for a new combo. I might not be the best bikini body at the pool this summer but I'll be damned if I'm not one of the strongest.

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And, of that, I will be proud.

32 comments:

  1. Girl you look fabulous! You DESERVE that suit and it looks awesome on you!

    My husband had lost 170+ lbs before I met him. He had skin he could literally touch his face with. It's almost gone now. But his stretch marks are his, like you said, battle scars. You guy beat the odds and made a difference. You get to wear them proudly to tell people, "I did it!"

    Your post touched me. You are so wonderful and you need to know how beautiful you are!!

    And I can totally relate to the barely there a cups. I'm going to make shirts that say "running my boobs off"

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  2. You are looking damn good in that bikini. Rock it, rock it with confidence and satisfaction of how your hard work has paid off. Stretch marks, extra skin, they are all evidence of how far you've come. You should be so extremely proud!

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  3. Those battle scars are the road map that got you here. Today. You would be a different person if they weren't there. And I kinda like you just the way you are! Rock that bikini, Warrior Princess. Thank you for burning that trail for the rest of us who are just figuring things out. xoxo

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  4. ROCK IT. You earned it, and you look fabulous. I have tiger stripes (thanks to eating my way through France one summer) conveniently located above the back of my bikini bottoms, I have cellulite all over my thighs, and now I have 5 "stab wounds" on my abdomen (one of which is still seeping every once in a while under the skin cement stuff, which probably means I'm doing too much). No one is perfect.... and many times, the people who look perfect are some of the most f***ed up ugly people on the inside.
    BTW, I have that bottom in green, and today discovered it doesn't look too bad if you fold it up (and then it covers my seeping incision, thus not horrifying the neighbor kids when I check the mail).

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  5. Love the suit on you! What a great role model you are for women and especially young girls who struggle with self-esteem. Your body tells a story of your life's journey. Be proud. I wish I could be as strong and fit as you. You are a beautiful person both inside and out. You have worked hard for your muscles so show them off.

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  6. That's so great, Kim! You have a fantastic little hourglass going on :)

    I'll admit that I, too, use the bikini as my sort of "what if, someday" sign of finally "making it". But the longer I do this, the more confident I am in the fact that I'll probably NEVER be satisfied with how I look in one. But I guess, who is, right?

    Congrats on taking the next step.

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  7. One of my favorite posts of all time! Go You!

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  8. You're amazing! Look how tiny you are!!! It's amazing how far you have come and you need to be proud of that!

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  9. So proud of you! I wish I could be as courageous as you are.

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  10. Congrats Kim! It's amazing how you can look back and see how much has changed, how far you've come - I agree with all of the other comments; take pride in it. :)

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  11. Do you realize that you look 400x better than the average person not toe room a zillion times stronger!!!!

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  12. Sorry , I meant not to mention a zillion time stronger!

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  13. You go Kim!! You look awesome!

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  14. I love this post. So much! The bikini has long been a "someday, maybe" dream of mine. This is encouraging me to reframe my ideas of when and how I can wear it. Thank you! (PS - you look awesome.)

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  15. This post made me cry. You are so inspiring. Rock that bikini! And damn, what a cute one!

    I have had a few friends tell me about their issues with excess skin and explain how surgery is the only route. I really don't think it's entirely a vanity thing. But. What do I know ;)

    And SO true that everyone else is so involved with their own insecurities! I know someone in particular who is very wrapped up and worried about what others think... and I am always like, "dude, I doubt anyone notices!"

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  16. You look great and I so admire your courage for posting this. This is something I struggle with too, and last summer I finally took the plunge. At first I was so self conscious, and then I realized that no one was paying attention to me. They were all too worried about themselves.

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  17. You look great! I struggle with this too. Though I didn't lose a ton of weight (about 40 lbs like 7-8 years ago, some of which I gained back and re-lost), I just don't have very elastic skin on my stomach, thighs or upper arms. But at some point, I just realized that's the way my body is and there's really nothing that I can do about it, so why not just accept it, you know?

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  18. You know, I started following your blog because I saw your Yahoo story. And since then I've been nothing but grateful to have such a strong, beautiful, brave woman in my life. You're a 10, Kim, inside and out.

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  19. I read this last night. And then I chewed on it. I don't think you could know how much this hit home for me. Kim (ilax) and I have talked at length about how my skin keeps me from doing a lot of things like wearing a bikini or running in a sports bra. You are totally making me rethink my adamant "nobody wants to see that" stance on this.

    I adore you. You've proven over and over how strong your body is, and now you are proving how strong you are as a woman - you are awesome and confident and when I grow up I wanna be just like you. Love. Muah!

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    Replies
    1. Between Kim's post and Bobbi's response I've fallen even more in love with both of you!!! I'm glad I know you two.

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    2. YES! I feel incredibly lucky/blessed to have such amazing women in my life.

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  20. Good for you! Be proud of your accomplishments and don't let anyone take that away. I don't have a bikini body either, never will but I still rock one out in the backyard on occasion. If they neighbors don't like it, then maybe they should shut the blinds. :o)

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  21. I love this post! Your honesty is so refreshing. And you look fabulous!

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  22. You look *awesome*! Way to rock that bikini ~ you worked hard for it, so now it's time to flaunt it :)

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  23. Work that swimsuit! You've worked hard and deserve to wear anything that m;akes you feel fabulous! And it is true that we are so wrapped up in our own insecurities that we tend to not pay attention to anyone elses! You look amazing Kim!

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  24. Thanks so much for such a great post. I'm pregnant with my first child and my body is going through lots of changes right now, some of which I'm not so comfortable with. But I like your idea of not worrying about what everyone else thinks. :) You deserve to rock your body the way you want to! And you look fabulous!

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  25. Love it hot mama!!!! You look awesome and strut your strong self at the pool this summer. You worked hard for it!!!

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  26. seriously - you are awesome!! i love this post - and that bikini is super cute! you are one adorable chica!!

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  27. You go rock that bikini. Really, who cares but yourself.
    And I think you said it and it is so true: I would be too wrapped up in my own extra skin and what-nots to worry about yours.

    I love this post. So honest. Thank you.
    I had a c-section and then, another surgery that went over and beyond my c-section incision. It is horrible. I looked kinda mangled.

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  28. What a courageous post. The story and the photos. You really can't understand how fantastic you look. I promise you that every one of my friends, including myself, struggle to put on a bathing suit and hang out together. Women you think are perfection have as many insecurities as you. We do have to get over ourselves. We are strong women and need to get comfortable with real bodies. Believe me, any time you're at a beach, pool location, there are only a couple of model bodies. Everyone else looks great with their imperfections showing. The best ones? Are the ones who've built up their confidence and let it all shine. That's YOU!

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  29. What a courageous post. The story and the photos. You really can't understand how fantastic you look. I promise you that every one of my friends, including myself, struggle to put on a bathing suit and hang out together. Women you think are perfection have as many insecurities as you. We do have to get over ourselves. We are strong women and need to get comfortable with real bodies. Believe me, any time you're at a beach, pool location, there are only a couple of model bodies. Everyone else looks great with their imperfections showing. The best ones? Are the ones who've built up their confidence and let it all shine. That's YOU!

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