Pre-workout fuel: Cinnamon raisin English muffin with peanut butter
Workout: 55 minutes "Biggest Loser: Boot Camp" and two walks with Denali, totaling ~4 miles.
I planned everything to the "T." Lunch at Ramsi's Cafe, dinner at Lynn's Paradise Cafe. Breakfast at Wild Eggs, lunch in Bardstown, dinner at P.F. Chang's. And, rounding out the trip would be breakfast at Toast on Market.
I was on vacation, and I was going to enjoy it.
But as I stared at the menu at Mammy's Kitchen in Bardstown, I ran through unhealthy option after unhealthy option. Bourbon hot dogs, salads with cheese and potato sticks. There were hot browns and patty melts. Fried green tomatoes and pimento cheese sandwiches. Some - not all - of it sounded good. I just couldn't bring myself to order any of it - even though I had day-dreamed about trying a BLT with fried green tomatoes.
So I sat. And stared. I let the server take Mark's order and insisted that she give it to the cooks. I gave serious thought to grabbing a latte down the street and eating the almonds in my purse as a make-shift lunch - just enough to take the edge off.
As if to read my mind, Mark asked me if I was going to eat. He told me that I had to eat. After all, this wasn't the first time I had been in the middle of an internal struggle at a restaurant. The first time I left without eating and ended up a cranky mess, writhing on the kitchen floor, unable to select anything from the fridge.
I had no "kitchen floor" option today. And Mark didn't want cranky on the list, either.
He did his best to pull me out, reminding me that I was on vacation. He pointed out menu items that he thought I would like. I think he might have offered to split his food (a bourbon dog) with me.
No need, I told him. I'll suck it up. I selected three items - a tuna melt, grilled cheese with bacon and tomato and a bourbon burger - and asked the server to pick one. She said they were all good but the grilled cheese was her favorite.
I still couldn't shake the feelings of guilt as the sandwich came out. Thick, buttery bread. Crispy bacon and plenty of cheese. A plate full of potato chips. I quickly put half the chips on a separate plate and blotted the grease off the sandwich. Then I ate. I ate the sandwich, a pretty delicious one, because I was hungry and I needed it.
Did I enjoy it, though, as I hoped? I wish I could say yes. I wish I could say that I was able to walk away from my fears for just a moment and trust myself. But I can't. I can only say that I'm trying to win this struggle - learning to relax I balance weight loss, maintenance and healthy eating. I want to get there. Really, I do. I just don't know how.