Save you!

I have a new man in my life, and his name is Esteban.

He's not much of a talker but I can tell you that we got pretty intimate yesterday. And by intimate I mean I put my mouth on his, and I saved him.

Or not. Since his lungs are plastic and all.

As part of the ACE personal certification process, I have to have my CPR card and have it before I schedule the test. I've been dilly-dallying about it because I, well, could and I didn't want to fork over $100 to play with a dummy. I figured I would take care of it as I got closer to being ready to take the test.

My new gig at the YMCA*, though, requires me to have a CPR card and they offer sessions regularly for employees. At no cost. Talk about schweet.

And there's the post. Aren't you glad you opened this one up?

Just kidding! Wile I'm not going to go into the mundane details of the session because, well, it's mundane, I feel compelled to tell you two things. First, I made an ass out of myself and secondly, the unicorn.

Secondly - the unicorn. I was at Target on Monday with my grandma (not the unicorn), and we passed those cutoff shorts that are so popular en route to find a shirt with sleeves. I don't understand these shorts. The inseam can't be but 2 inches - if that - and it certainly wouldn't come over my inner thigh lumps. Bending over seems problematic because it seems like a full moon situation. I told my grandma that I had no idea who would wear them.

Yesterday, at training, I saw her. One of the YMCA camp counselors, who couldn't be but 19, was wearing an aqua pair. To my surprise, she didn't have to constantly adjust the shorts nor did it expose her bum. It's probably because her thighs DID NOT touch - something I only thought existed in fairy tales.

First - my ass-making-ness. The protocol for CPR is: "The scene is safe!"; "Are you OK?"; "You! Call 911!"; assess breathing; remove clothes; and begin compressions. When it came review/testing time, my group was going through the steps. We had secured the scene, tapped Esteban's shoulders to see if he was responsive and asked someone to call 911 and get an AED.

"What's next?" the instructor prompted.

My group: Assess breathing.

Me: "Rip off his clothes."

I told you I got close to Esteban.

*We're not talking about this because I don't want to jinx it ala the doomed circuit class of winter.**

**Dear Kim, I'm sorry for stealing your formatting trademark. I'm only doing it this once.

Take recipe to heart: A recipe

It seems like these days there's a special designation for every thing. January is Hot Tea Month and National Oatmeal Month. Today is National Bubblegum Day and April 17 (my birthday) is Ford Mustang Day.

But there's one observance that I can get behind, especially as a woman: National Heart Health Month. It's February, hence the post today, Feb. 1.

According to the American Heart Association, heart disease is the No. 1 killer of women, and is more deadly than all forms of cancer combined. An estimated 43 million women in the U.S. are affected by heart disease, and 90 percent of women have one or more risk factors for developing heart disease. It doesn't have to be a death sentence, though. A healthy lifestyle that includes exercise and good nutrition can offset many of the risks and improve health.

Though I'm still trying to figure out the definition of good nutrition for me, WomensHealth.gov said you should eat mainly:

• Fruits and vegetables 
• Grains (at least half of your grains should be whole grains, such as whole wheat, whole oats, oatmeal, whole-grain corn, brown rice, wild rice, whole rye, whole-grain barley, buckwheat, bulgur, millet, quinoa, and sorghum) 
• Fat-free or low-fat versions of milk, cheese, yogurt, and other milk products 
• Polyunsaturated (pol-ee-uhn-SACH-uh-ray-tid) and monounsaturated (mon-oh-uhn-SACH-uh-ray-tid) fats (found in fish, nuts, and vegetable oils)
• Fish, skinless poultry, lean meats, dry beans, eggs, and nuts 

Did you catch that last part, the one about lean meats? To maintain heart health, you don't have to eat grilled chicken with steamed broccoli and brown rice or unseasoned pork loin with sweet potatoes and steamed spinach.

Nope. You can have something like Slow Cooker French Onion Meatloaf.

The key is to select a quality, lean protein (chalk one up for Weight Watchers' lessons) like Laura's Lean Beef.

Laura's Lean Beef is at least 92 percent lean (some products are 96 percent) and it's free of hormones and antibiotics.

And it's the star player in this flavorful and hardy dish, which Mark enjoyed for dinner two nights in a row and I enjoyed not really having to cook.

Note: This recipe is also toddler tested and approved.

Slow Cooker French Onion Meatloaf

1 pound Laura's Lean Beef
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon onion powder
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1 egg, beaten
1/3 - 1/2 cup whole-wheat Panko bread crumbs
1 onion, sliced
8 ounces mushrooms, sliced
1 cup beef broth
1 bay leaf

In a bowl, gently combine beef, Worcestershire sauce, onion powder, garlic powder, pepper, egg and bread crumbs. Form into a loaf and place in the crock of a slow cooker. Arrange onions and mushrooms around the meatloaf. Pour broth over onions and mushrooms; toss in bay leaf. Cook on low for 8-9 hours or until cooked through. Makes 4 servings.

Disclosure: Laura's Lean Beef provided me with product vouchers but all opinions and commentary expressed are my own. I was a consumer of Laura's Lean Beef before the opportunity. For more recipes, visit the their website.