Wednesday, September 30, 2015

10 Truths About Having A Baby

Si is almost six months old. It may or may not be surprising to you since it's rare that I dedicate an entire post to him or motherhood. It's not intentional, at least not 100 percent. Mostly, it's not all that interesting.

However, as we are smack dab in the middle of infancy and toddlerhood not to far off, I wanted to take this time to reflect on life with a baby. I want to share things that I had forgot about (or blocked out) or things that seemed new this time.

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• If you put a baby in a cute outfit, it nearly guarantees that he will blow out. Case in point: Si wore a onesie with tie on it and a Superman hoodie with cape. He was just like Clark Kent, and I couldn't have been more smug about it. While drinking his first bottle at daycare, he paused, looked up at the helper and smiled. Then he let one rip ... and it ripped right up his back. He came home in an oversized T-shirt because he had crapped through all of his extra clothes the week before.

• Zip up jammies are the jam. Snap up outfits suck. First off, my husband can't seem to snap the pajamas correctly and Si comes down from his bath with his diaper hanging out. I then have to try to snap the buttons as I nurse. Seems easy ... until you do it. I'm just not that coordinated. Second, have you tried to snap pajamas in the middle of the night when your kid wants to eat – not get his diaper changed. Kicks to the nose ensue until you give up and let him sleep naked.

• Somewhere around 4 months, your baby will stop sleeping. Even if he had previously been a unicorn baby, the glory days of 10 hours of sleep and waking up with monster boobs will be over. Your baby will be up all.the.time. Not just that, he will be up for hours at a time. He'll nurse, fall asleep and then as you put him down, his eyes will pop open and his lips will curl into a smile. Repeat for two hours.

• Your late-night/early-morning ragers will be just that. Even the most even-tempered woman (which I am not) will likely wake up her husband so that she can yell at him for sleeping. He'll grunt, roll over and continue sleeping. You will spend the next two hours plotting ways to get back him the next day.

• When the 4-month sleep regression is over, your baby will get ready for a mental leap and thus still not sleep. Basically, newborn development is out to keep mothers from sleeping and make them so crazy that their husbands lose all desire. Family planning at its best.

• If the irrational and erratic behavior don't prevent pregnancy, your broken vagina will. C-section or vaginal delivery – it doesn't matter. Your business will be out of order for some time.

• Bibs are a formality. Just feed your baby naked. Wait. The baby is naked. You wear clothes. Hopefully.

• Some babies are cute, some are not. You will think your baby is cute ... until you look back at pictures and realize that he was kind of awkward looking. It's OK. He's still adorable. For today, at least.

• Small babies do not equal small farts, burps or other audible bodily functions. You might try to blame your husband and that's cool but, this one time, it might not be his fault.

• Babies are born naked. Just leave them that way.

Note: I love my boys and my husband. I do. Really.

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