And I'm out

This blog post is for me, mostly, to work some things out in my head. Seeing as this blog is mine and I try to write about what I want to remember or share and, at times, what I need to, I'm going to take advantage. It will be whiny and stupid and so, if you read on, you have been warned.

◊ ◊ ◊

 I thought it was my big break. More than attending BODYPUMP teacher training or landing a regular class at the gym, I thought the corporate wellness gig on Thursdays was going to make my fitness career.

Instead, at least for right now, it seems to have broken it.

The gym is rearranging the class schedule at the corporate wellness site so one instructor cam teach the site's two classes. And I am not that instructor.

The participants didn't really like me. Plain and simple. I've been able to sense it and when I got an email from the coordinator to call her, I knew something was up. She didn't have a lot of feedback for me but among the few things she did know was that I closed my eyes while teaching, I wasn't the right pace and I wasn't bubbly enough.

I tried. I really did. I was encouraging. I listened to what they said they wanted. For God's sake, I took out lunges two weeks in a row. I gave them stations. I made it so they could move around the room. I went out and bought resistance loops, "The Women's Health Big Book of Exercises" and scoured the Internet for the "it" group fitness class, hoping to glean strategies and structure. I thought about what I could do to make it better constantly, staying up at night thinking and penciling things down in meetings.

Heck, I even accepted my in-law's offer, borrowing $600 to get my personal training certification because I was sure I was going to need it now that I was teaching the class.

But now I'm not. And I sort of feel like I wasted my in-law's money, my husband's time and sacrificed evenings with Miles to work toward a future that I had no business dreaming of. I did all of that thinking I could do something when I obviously can't.

While people will say it's their loss, it's mine. I'm still out the money and locked into a personal training program. I'm out my confidence. I'm out my drive.

I have a recovery run on the books tonight, and I'm hoping four slow miles will be just what I need to recenter and refocus. Be less of a baby. Right now, though, it hurts.

P.S. The coordinator said I'm not supposed to take it personally, and they are going to keep me on tap for other corporate wellness sites that could come up.