Sweat Your Thorns Off 5K: A mile by Miles report

Let's get a few things out of the way:

I live in Indiana where the only place you see cacti is on the window sill of a nursing home.

I don't have any thorns. And if I did, I'm not sure I would know how to sweat them off.

I only agreed to participate in the virtual Sweat Your Thorns Off 5K because I thought I would place in my age group. Mostly because I'd be the only one.

You usually come here to read about the things my mommy does but it's about time you hear from me. After reading race reports from Henry, she decided to give this blog over to me for a day so I could give you the real scoop. I think she's a giant copy cat but I'm not going to argue over details when I finally get permission to bang on the keyboard.

MahMAH as I like to call her (I'm an Italian at heart) had a 5-mile run scheduled, with three miles at tempo (whatever that means). She said it would be perfect the training run to use for the Sweat Your Thorns Off 5K, which is hosted by The Boring Runner. While she went to the bathroom 500 times, I got suited up. I decided to wear my anatomy pajamas from Old Navy so that the competition would be intimidated by my muscles. Do you see them? My muscles? (I also brought my steering wheel so I could switch gears if necessary.)

MahMAH insisted that we had to start out slow for the first mile to warm up. It took her 10 minutes to push me to the park. TEN minutes. I thought it was pretty boring so I kept my Maggie in and tried to ditch my foul mood.

When we got to the park, MahMAH stopped her watch, ending her workout on the MOTOACTV, and grabbed a drink of water. She's usually pretty nice about giving me a drink, too. Little does she know that it's all in an effort to be the next spokesmodel for Gu.

I got another drink as MahMAH started a new workout on the MOTOACTV and then I was off.

We (read: someone not as smart as me) decided to turn right into the park, which meant an uphill start along the golf course. MahMAH did her best to go fast while pushing me. I thought it was a fairly lame attempt - lamer than the kiddie coasters at the fair. After she got to a flat section, I could feel her going faster. I heard her say something about "7" but that wasn't the number of the day on "Sesame Street" so I'm not sure what she meant.

We picked up speed as we went down toward the trickling river, and it got to be fun. I spit out my Maggie so I could squeal with delight. Daddy thought I was asking for a drink so we stopped to get some water about a mile in. I've been to races with MahMAH and they have people to give you water, which is a pretty sweet deal, but there was no one there. Just the same Gu bottle in the back of the BOB. I was going to protest the race support but I saw the guy with three dogs. THREE. I want to go to his house.

After everyone got water, we were off and it felt like we were settling into a better pace. MahMAH ran the first mile in 8:14 and while I know I can go faster, it's a pretty tough pace for her. Just as the ride started to feel smooth, Denali had to stop to poop. I don't know why he doesn't wear a diaper like me. It makes things so much easier - you don't have to take breaks and the cleanup is a breeze. Or so I think.

Daddy offered to push me for a little bit so MahMAH could have a break. There were lots of people and dogs at the park to look at, and I had fun as Dad weaved in and out of the people. Hey! It was just like a real race.

Even though MahMAH was running without resistance, the second mile was slower - 8:27. I thought you were supposed to run races with negative splits (yeah, I know about those) so I told her to pick it up. We rounded through the park and because MahMAH is all about things being fair, she made Dad push me up the hills we did at the beginning of the race. If I thought they were running slow then ... let's just say it felt like a walk. And I can walk. Did you know that? I can. I can walk.

I am not sure how they managed it but we did the third mile in 8:21. I could tell that MahMAH was really tired at the end. She some times can really kick it but she didn't do it this time. Her pace for the last tenth (8:22) was slower than the third mile. No fun! 

When we were done with the race, we stopped for water. MahMAH was breathing really hard and was being stingy with the Gu bottle. I looked around and noticed that we weren't home. I started to cry - I wanted scrambled eggs! MahMAH said that we still had to run nine tenths of a mile to get home and finish her training. I thought that was weird. What's up with this whole Sweat Your Thorns Off thing if you don't get to be finished right away?

When we got home, I asked MahMAH where my medal was. After all, I ran a race. I am even sure I won - especially since the stroller crossed the finish line before she did. She said there aren't usually medals for 5K races and definitely not this one.

Seriously? Seriously! I knew there was one to be had, and I was going to get it. I climbed up the stairs (I got tricks - they're for kids) and went looking.

I found a handsome medal with some animals on it, and I decided that I liked it best. I am strong like bull. Or buffalo. Or cow. Cut me some slack, here, I just now figured out that a cat is not a dog.

The official results: