They've got mail

My BODYPUMP assessment DVD is in the mail. Like, with postage, slid through the slot and hopefully on its way to Lafayette, Indiana.

I honestly didn't think it would happen. And not in the "I can't believe I've come this far" sort of way that prompts people to comment about how awesome I am. No. I literally did not think that a DVD of me teaching would ever happen.

"Why?" you ask. Let me count the ways. There's ... ummm ... however many number I come up with until the end.

1. My first attempt at taping, July 7, failed because the digital point-and-shoot I was using stopped half-way through the ab track. Les Mills is very specific that the tape must be uncut and include the entire class, as well as 5 minutes before and 5 minutes after.

2. I had hoped to tape again July 14 but the gym was closed for the parade.

3. Taping rescheduled for July 21 but only three people attended class and Les Mills, again very specific, requires five people to attend a taping.

4. In a panic, I request to tape on Thursday, July 26 - two days before my DVD is due. Cory obliges me, and I procure a camera that Mark used to make a short film in his early 20s.

In case you are clamoring to see this film, you can't. There's all of 10 copies in the world, and we have two. Take that Disney vault!

5. Anyway, I get this camera. I thought it was digital but - ha! - it wasn't. It requires a mini DV, which by the glory of grilled cheesus, Best Buy still carries. Mark about cries in his French toast when he learns that he has to go to BB and spend $20 on three mini DVs because you can't just buy one.

6. I go in Thursday to tape. We have 4 people - including Cory. Sweet summer, please go away and bring back our regular class attendance. The gym manager pulls a cheerleading coach from her duties and makes her PUMP it up.

7. I tape and it's good - or good enough. I messed up the chest track and look like a buffoon doing propulsion lunges but I nailed most everything. Excited to transfer it to the computer and get going, I look in the box for the cable.

Wait. There's no cable. Shit, mothereffin shit.

I throw a tantrum and Mark comes up with a USB cable from the PS3 that fits. One thing: You can't transfer from the camera using the USB. You need a firewire cable.

8. My computer does not have a firewire hookup. Mark's Mac Book has a firewire but a different size. Mark drives a half-hour to his friend's house at 8:30 Thursday night to pick up a different firewire cable. It doesn't work.

9. Our friend Raul comes over to transfer it over to his computer because Raul knows stuff and has stuff and is currently on a week sabbatical between jobs. Raul figures it out but it takes about 10 years to transfer as the file is 15.5 GB. It doesn't finish until the Olympic opening ceremonies decided to rip out my heart and stomp on it.

10. Raul promised to come over Saturday morning to compress and rip the DVD so I could mail it before noon. Raul called at 1 p.m. It was finished at 6:30. (Note: I am not faulting him or complaining - he did me a favor and the time crunch was mine.)

But it was finished, and it's mailed, and they better damn well like it because I might slit my wrists if I get a resubmit (one of three grading options).

There is an upside, though: I learned things. How many things will discover at the end of this list.

1. Plan for mishaps. I should have tried taping during the week and not just on Saturday, when attendance is at its lowest.

2. Don't assume that because someone did something one way that you can do it, too. I thought that since Mark and his friends made the movie on his camera and made a DVD that I could. However, there is no computer genius in this girl where there is a computer genius in the friends group.

3. Taking the cheap way doesn't always work. I was trying to cut corners using a digital point-and-shoot and then a camera that someone had when it might have behooved me to go to the pawn shop and pick up an actual video camera at a decent price.

4. It's always good to have friends, especially friends who have a truck (for toting tillers from Do It Best and moving); friends who know computer shit; friends who have a car with a big trunk (for any bodies that you might stumble upon); and friends who are cheap (and have sizable reserves to bail your ass out).

I am lucky to have all four.