A gift guide, except not

I am an assistant editor for a newspaper, as some of you may or may not know. It's a fact that's not inherently interesting but it does pertain to today's post.

As part of my job, my work email is inundated with press releases for various events, products and books. Most of these emails are deleted because they don't hold broad appeal for our readers. However, with Mother's Day approaching, I've been opening many emails to see whether I can create a Mother's Day gift story from a number of sources.

It turns out that I can't - at least not a story about what to get your mom. A story about what not to get her? That I can do.

The email that started it all: "Whether purchasing gifts for a fitness fanatic, busy, or active mom, the Shake Weight is sure to please all this Mother’s Day."

I'm not joking. Seriously. Not. Joking.

Obviously, I do not think this is a good idea. I have a fair amount of reasons as to why but I am going to keep them to myself since I received the release in a professional capacity. However, feel free to guess my thoughts in the comments.

The whole release got me thinking about Mother's Day. I know I'm new to the game but I believe there are just things not to get a mom.

A barbell. I'm sorry, Mark, but I have to dog you on this one. My loving, well-meaning husband made reference to getting me a barbell set for Mother's Day in an effort to support my Body Pump endeavors. It would be nice to have, yes, but it's just ... it's just not ... well, it's not pretty. I don't know about you but I think moms want something nice to look at. How about a pedicure to disguise a runner's black toe?

Yoga pants. Unless they are from lululemon - and I only say that because of its status, not experience - I don't think mom wants something with an elastic band. Not so much because she won't like them or they won't make her feel comfy while eating ice cream after putting the kids down but because the giver will inevitably complain that Mom always wears elastic-waist pants and never dresses sexy.

Doughnut pan. I'd be lying to say that I haven't been dying for one of these, and I'd happily take one for Christmas, my birthday or because I just happen to carry one around Bed Bath & Beyond for 30 minutes while we look at blackout curtains. However, a doughnut pan for Mother's Day just screams, "Get in the kitchen, woman. And while you're at it, take off your shoes!"

A box of chocolates. Maybe I'm alone on this one but a box of candy is not really a gift to me. It's either a gift to my hips or a gift for you because you know I won't eat the whole thing by myself.

Makeup. The Huffington Post's Catherine Moellering suggests buying Mom a brightly hued lipstick, specifically J. Crew's Poppy King (which supposedly complements all skin tones), to be in trend. However, since Mark and I still have discussions about whether our living room chairs are blue or green (they are blue), I don't think I'd trust him to buy me the perfect shade of lipstick. How about a gift certificate for the spa, mmkay?

On a side note, the Huffington Post story said that $18.6 billion is spent on Mother's Day, or about $152 per mom.

Wouldn't that be nice? Sort of like a day at the spa. Just sayin'.