Cool, overcast and slightly breezy. It was the perfect running weather this morning, and I couldn't help but feel a pang of disappointment that today was my rest day.
What's a girl to do when she can't run? Shop, of course.
After a near tantrum this week over my lack of properly fitting clothes, Mark and I agreed on a budget and headed out to replace my size 1os with size 4s and my mediums with smalls.
Our first stop was Target, where I quickly found a zebra-printed skirt and a teal drape front cardigan. Both were on sale for $14.99 (score!), and I felt like it was good karma for the rest of the day.
The next stop was Kohl's. I was hoping to hit the motherload as I had a savings pass good for up to 20 percent off. And 20 percent off what I pick means that I can pick more!
One problem: I didn't find much I liked.
I was hoping to find wear-to-work pieces but most of the business casual styles were not for me. I'm not really sure who they were for because I thought they were fairly unattractive. I did find a green tee to pair with my zebra-printed skirt and I spent the good part of 20 minutes carrying it around with me, hoping to find something else to hold. I was ready to give up when I found a floral-printed tunic and black denim leggings by Elle. It just looked like the "me" I wanted to be. The "me" I could be.
I headed into the dressing room carrying a size 4 pant and size small tunic but when I walked out to show Mark, I wasn't that "me" I wanted to be. I was size 24 Kim, the one who was embarrassed about the way she looked and so sure that people were staring at her. I was worried that everyone was looking at the way my thighs looked in the pants. And when I asked Mark to see if he could find an XS in the tunic because the shoulders in the small seemed too big, I was sure people were wondering who I thought I was. "How could she think she needed an extra small?"
The feeling nagged at me as I put on the extra small top, sure that it only fit because of the way the shirt was cut. The pants fit because of vanity sizing. And as I stared at myself in the mirror, trying to decide on the outfit, I was sure that I looked like the girl I used to be.
I was her, in that moment, too. Size 24 Kim. That's the funny thing about weight loss - you can lose weight, tone muscles, change sizes. The rest of the "weight" that comes with being obese - and morbidly so at that - doesn't come off so easily. It's hard to shed that self, the insecurity and the doubt, and finally be able to look in the mirror, in a pair of jeggings and a tunic, and think you look good. It's even harder to walk out in the outfit and know you look good.
I wasn't able to do that today. I might not be able to do that tomorrow. What I can do is work toward that day, in the hopes that I discover for myself the me I know I can be.