Monday, August 12, 2013

Tumbling into the guilt trap

I was in the kitchen, huddled around a hot cup of coffee and savoring the last micro-seconds of alone time this morning when I heard a familiar pitter-patter.

"Mama still sweaty?" Miles asked as he slammed the kitchen door into the pantry, approaching me with hesitation.

"No, Mama's not sweaty," I told him. "Mama's drinking coffee." And has spin class at lunch.

With the green light that his mama didn't resemble the Pacific Ocean with dead fish floating near him, he came over and gave my legs a squeeze. I patted him on his head, noticing that his buzz cut was growing out, and asked him if he slept good.

"I want a waffle."

And that was that.

Miles' inquiry into whether I was sweaty was not off-base. There are many a morning when I'm standing in the kitchen, in the same huddled position over a cup of coffee, with sweat dripping off my leg. There are miles under my Rogas and salt stains on my bra. He might not have been bothered as an infant by nursing post-run but even touching me now is taboo. And who could blame him?

Nor was I offended by the question. It's probably the least hurtful thing he says to me - and, no, I'm not talking about when he said he was mad at the world yesterday. More mornings than not, when I retrieve Miles from the crib, he'll outstretch his arms and ask me a question. One question.

"Mama all done doing Bodypump?"

Each and every time he asks, I feel a twinge in my chest.  The familiar sensation akin to a heart break.

When I decided to pursue my Bodypump certification, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I figured, if anything, I would learn a few things and help the family budget by getting paid (nominally) to work out rather than paying for a class. I didn't think that it would lead to a new passion, the year to Make Shit Happen and spending two nights a week away from him. I didn't realize that I wouldn't see him before he went to bed on Tuesday and Thursday, that I wouldn't be able to read "If You Give a Moose a Muffin" for the 3,276 time. I wouldn't get to sing "Twinkle, Twinkle" or answer "What a bushel peck mean?" I wouldn't be able to place him in the crib with his menagerie of animals or be the last face he saw till morning.

More importantly, I didn't think that he would recognize my "absence." I naively believed that he would go about his day, as I do mine, finding other ways to fill his time than pulling my hair.

Logically, I know that is OK to be away from him and good for me to do things for me. I know that I will be a better mother if I pursue outside interests and find things that fulfill me physically, mentally and emotionally. I understand that the hours I am missing are just a fraction of the time I spend with him and make the other bed times that much more special.

I know that. And, yet, nothing can stop the flood waves of guilt. It plagues me more and more as the weeks go by, as life gets busier and Hood to Coast nears.

I look for answers and reassurance but find little. Just a push to keep doing in the vain hope that, one day, the work-life-family-exercise balance will be there.

17 comments:

  1. Such a great post!! you rock as a mom :)

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  2. I understand what you mean as much as a non-mom can. But I also understand that moms taking time for themselves make better moms. And you know what? You are setting quite the example for that kid! As he grows up he'll think exercise is just a normal part of the process. You're a good mommy, be proud of yourself.

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  3. The guilt is such a hard thing and I feel it when I just drop off Lucas at the gym child care. Even though he now loves going and it's good for him to hang out with other kids, I feel guilty that I am on the treadmill instead of pushing him in the stroller. I keep tell myself that a healthy and happy mom who spends a couple hours a week working out instead of being by his side, is better for both of us in the long run. :) Only a child of a fit mom would know what Bodypump is and talks about sweaty runs at the age of 2!

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    1. I wouldn't feel guilty about the treadmill! Even if he likes the stroller, it's good for him to play with some different toys and new kids. We're sort of in a weird spot with the stroller. He tolerates it but it's not without bribes (lolipops) and whines (nuun and the MIA lolipop that got thrown at 0.5 mile).

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  4. Hugs, mama, I know the guilt monster intimately as well. You are setting an awesome example for him - my littles aren't talking yet, but they are ecstatic when I return in the morning and never fail to crack me up when they're tromping around in my sweaty shoes. And my oldest always talks about how he's going to win all the medals when he's older.

    But at the same time, give yourself permission to really look at your schedule and weigh out the pros/cons of it all. If you really don't want to do everything you've stacked up for yourself right now, it's okay to scale back. It has to be right for you, or you'll plow into burn-out. (Can you tell who has just face-planted into funkville? I'm deep into marathon training and have hit the 2-year-old-I-don't-wannas!)

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    1. There might be a video or two of Miles in my shoes, and he always requests Bodypump in the car so there are upsides. I think I'm nearing the edge - but not there yet - of when I'd have to scale back. I think one more class could throw me over but until then, I'm going to grind it out.

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  5. THIS is why your blog is my favorite. You're the only one who I feel has really been where I am. I have a 1-year-old, work 40 hours a week, am in grad school, and decided that it's now-or-never for me to start training for my first marathon. I treasure every moment I get to spend with my girl, I rearrange my schedule and pull long nights studying so that I can always be there for dinner and bedtime, but still.... the thought of having to leave her for 3-4 hours at a time on weekends for my upcoming long runs is hurting my heart :( I KNOW what I'm doing is right and healthy for me and my family... but its hard.

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    1. Trying to fit in my ACE studies is hard enough - I can't imagine grad school! I applaud you. And good luck with training!

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  6. On the other end of the spectrum Leo is so gosh-darn excited about "boys day!" when I'm in the office that I get a little jealous (Ma and Leo days are never said with quite such excitement or anticipation).

    You're an amazing mom, whether you're the one putting him to bed or not. Miles is lucky to have you.

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    1. Thank you for the nice words. I guess I am a good mom - he's still thriving (even if he did throw a perfectly good clementine at me this morning).

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  7. Great post. I had the same pang of guilt this morning when I was stretching post-run and my daughter wanted me to read. Tough balance, but as you said it's worth it in the end.

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    1. Thank you! It is tough now but maybe in a couple years, they'll stretch with us.

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  8. My girls are older 6 and nearly 9 and I still get this way. Now that I'm chest deep in marathon training, the hours of being away and needing sitters is getting more and longer. I feel bad and am questioning if I should take next year off from a full marathon, at least until the girls are just a bit older. It's totally normal to feel this way and it doesn't ever go away until they are grown and out of the house. I remember when I was a teenager my mom still felt bad going to be before me and leaving me up alone at night.

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    1. I am definitely taking next year off from marathons. It's too much on everyone, at this point, and it will give time to "tri" new things. Wink, wink.

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  9. *mom felt bad going to bed before me

    I should proof read before I press publish.

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  10. I'm not a mom and I've never been in your shoes, but I did follow along with training during your pregnancy and now raising a child and I'll be honest, you are awesome! I think you are a wonderful mom and it's amazing to me that you are able to accomplish so much. You are a great role model to Miles AND to all of us who don't have kids but might some day (and wonder how this whole raising kids, having a family, and working out thing works)!

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