Stripped down

My most recent excursion to Old Navy didn't just net some free workout wear. Inside the white plastic bag, along with the capris and tank, was something I've been wanting to buy my entire life. Something I've stared at longingly, hoping that one day I would earn the privilege of owning. Something, I am nearly ashamed to admit, that I consider a status of beauty and fitness.

A bikini. A green and white polka dot bandeau bikini.

When I declared 2013 the year to Make Shit Happen, I had told myself - and Mark - that I wanted to get over myself, get over my insecurities, and buy the bikini I had long considered a hard-earned reward for losing weight and then losing the baby weight and then keeping it off. The one I thought I should be able to wear because the scale reads 12X.

But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do it. I would try on the two-piece swimsuits and get disgusted. The bottoms would be too small and the extra skin of my lower abdomen would flop over ... or under ... or both. Boy suit bottoms would come down right where my saddlebags begin, further accentuating the bulges that can't be calorie counted and exercised away. High-waisted suits came to the upper belly fold, marking the spot of a pocket of excess skin and fat around my belly button.

One day, at Kohl's, I thought I had finally won. The pinky-coral suit was cut better than any I had ever tried. The low-rise bottoms covered every thing I needed without coming up to the bulge. The top was padded, a must for my barely-there A cups. I exited the dressing room to show Mark the best-case scenario but rather than strutting out, I slunk. Even showing my husband, the guy who has seen me naked and cut open, I was embarrassed. All I could see in the suit was a bony upper torso, a belly roll and heavy thighs - not the healthy, fit woman I was hoping to find. I shook my head and quickly made my way to change. Tears welled in my eyes as I hung it up, struggling to accept that I just don't have the bikini body.

We talked about skin removal on the way home, a conversation that has persisted over the years as I live with the effects of significant weight loss. He ... I ... we've almost come to accept it as an inevitable way to close the door on who I used to be. Mark is supportive, saying we would find a way to pay for it, but I struggle on undergoing an expensive, extensive procedure for the sake of vanity. It's not guaranteed to make me happy, it will take me off the trails for at least six weeks and it will inhibit my ability to parent.

That day, I gave up on the idea of 2013 being the year I put on a bikini. Maybe, if I did get the cajones to have the surgery (next year at the earliest), I would try again. I even looked at before-and-after photos of tummy tucks and lower-body lifts to give myself some hope.

But last Tuesday, as C tried on Old Navy activewear capris, I found myself perusing the swimwear rack, attracted to a "sale" sign like a moth to a flame. The polka dots were so cute. Green is one of my favorite colors. Bandeau tops are my favorite. A glutton for punishment, I opted to try it on. "It couldn't hurt," I thought.

The bottoms slid on and stopped two inches below my belly pouch. In a size medium, the sides didn't dig in and create any overhang. The strapless top showed off hard-earned deltoids and shoulders, and a bit of padding helped the girls out. Like the suit at Kohl's, it was as good as it was going to get on me. Still I waffled.

"Oh, that's cute!" C said, spying the suit over my arm as she exited the fitting room. "Are you going to get it?"

I wasn't sure, I told her. I wasn't sure I could pull it off. She assured me that I could - I was young. Young, yes. Flat abs, no. "Who cares?" she said, urging me to purchase it.

And who does care? Besides me. Probably no one. Or not one of the people who will be around to see it. As a family friend recently told me, everyone is too wrapped in their own insecurities to care about yours. So, I bought it.

I took it home and left it in the bag, not even telling Mark that I had picked it up. I didn't want him to know as part of me wasn't committed, wondering whether I should take it back. The other part? Well, she thought I should keep it and wear it. Proudly. Because every stretch mark, every centimeter of excess skin - they are like battle scars. Battle scars from crusades I won and from a war I sill continue to fight.

Four days, though. It was four days before I mustered up the courage to put it back on and model it for Mark, who, to my surprise,  he was incredibly positive. He said he liked the pattern and the fit was better than the coral number at Kohl's. Sure, the belly was there but there's nothing I could do about that.

So I kept it. Sort of. Old Navy had a special Memorial Day sale on its suits - even better than the day I bought it - prompting me to return/swap/exchange it for a new combo. I might not be the best bikini body at the pool this summer but I'll be damned if I'm not one of the strongest.

And, of that, I will be proud.

Love the skin you are in: A giveaway

My wedding bands are the inevitable casualty of winter. The dry, brutal air chaps my skin and the area between my ring and middle fingers becomes chafed and flaky. The only thing I can do to help it heal is to take off my rings for a week or so and apply lotion.

Lots and lots of lotion.

In years past, I didn't pay much attention to the moisturizer I used. I would apply a cheap drugstore find or an overly scented, overpriced selection from a store in the mall - neither of which did much for my skin. I found Aveda's hand relief cream last year, and I fell in love instantly. It was a workhorse lotion without being greasy, had a mild scent and had quick results.

My tube ran out just before the holidays, though, and I had been hoping to find another in my stocking. Instead, I got the best mug. Ever. Since then, I've been scamming lotion from co-workers because I inadvertently forget it every time I am at Target. Too many pretty things. Too distracting.

So it was with them in mind that I disregarded the mention of Dr. Oz (he called the seabuckthorn a "miracle berry") and accepted an opportunity from SeabuckWonders to try its skincare line. (The company also offers a line of supplements.)

About SeabuckWonders:

The wait is over. SeabuckWonders’ personal care product line is here. And it’s packed with a high concentration of sea buckthorn oil for maximum results. That means healthier, softer and more beautiful skin for all those who add these products to their daily routine. Unlike many Sea buckthorn products in the marketplace, SeabuckWonders believes quality and quantity are both important. Because Sea Buckthorn is expensive, many manufacturers provide skin care products with little to no sea buckthorn to minimize their costs. At SeabuckWonders, we focus on maximizing the benefits of our products and therefore, provide a high concentration of sea buckthorn oil in all of our personal care products. It’s a simple formula: More sea buckthorn = more health and beauty benefits. And you can even see the difference. Because our skin care products contain a higher dose of sea buckthorn, you’ll notice a bright, yellow-orange glow—a mirror reflection of the sea buckthorn berry’s natural vibrant color. This intense concentration of sea buckthorn makes SeabuckWonders the superior product line for skin healing and beauty enhancement. High Concentration of Organic Himalayan Sea Buckthorn Infused with Omega 3, 6, 7 & 9 Vegan, Non-GMO Paraben-free, Cruelty-free, and Gluten-free

I'll be honest -I wasn't sure how all of that would translate to skin care. Omega vitamins are great in a diet but for my face? It seemed curious.

And curious I still am. But I can tell you this (and a few thats):

Scrub a dub. I love the facial cleanser. Like love it. It has a gentle exfoliant that gives me the feeling that I actually washed my face and I feel like my skin is tighter after just one use. It has a mild orange scent, from natural orange extract, that is fresh and refreshing. The product claims to make skin more vibrant and I do agree that my skin looks a lot better since using it. It could be a more regular beauty regimen ... or the sea buckthorn.

Facial hydration. SeabuckWonders has two options for moisturizing your face - a facial cream and a deep hydrating serum. I've been using the cream in the morning and the serum at night, and my dry skin has been happily soaking them up. Winter hasn't done my face any favors, and I think I was breaking out because my oil glands were going into overdrive to compensate for the dryness. I say this because I'm obviously (not) a dermatologist. I didn't like the cream at first, I will admit. I felt like it was greasy and though it is scented with the same orange extract as the other products, its odor was a bit off. I am not sure if it's regular use or it was a one-time problem but I no longer feel like it smells funny, and I think it hydrates really well. Maybe even better than the serum. The key is applying it immediately after washing your face.

Hands on. The body lotion is probably the product I've used least frequently, mostly because I forgot to take it to work. So far, so good, though. My chafed area by my ring finger is already looking better after one day sans ring. The lotion is thick without being sticky and not greasy at all. It does require reapplication throughout the day, and I normally do so after going to the bathroom and washing my hands.

Hydration is good for skin but requires frequent trips to the bathroom, require frequent hand washing, which dries out the skin. Such a vicious cycle.

You can try to end it, though, as the kind folks at SeabuckWonders have offered one reader its lineup to help you love the skin you're in this Valentine's season. The winner will receive the skin care kit, including lotion, facial cleanser, face cream and deep hydrating lotion, a more than $70 value.


a Rafflecopter giveaway



Disclosure: Open to U.S. residents only. The giveaway ends Wednesday, Feb. 13. The winner will be selected via Rafflecopter on Thursday, Feb. 14, and will be emailed. The winner will have 72 hours to claim her prize or a new winner will be selected. I was sent the SeabuckWonders products at no charge but all words and opinions are my own.