Training Again: Ready ... Or Not?

July 1.

That was going to be the day – the day I began training and the day I documented it my Believe journal.

I bought my journal way back in January when Lauren Fleshman, one of the co-authors, was speaking at the Fort Wayne Track Club banquet. I had her sign my copy, going ridiculously fangirl as I told her that I was saving it for my post-baby comeback.

The one, I had decided, would begin July 1. It was a date that seemed far enough removed from Silas' birth that I would be ready to put my nose to the grindstone and ready to do it safely. I was excited to think about the workouts I would document, the successes and challenges I would face. Words like tempo and repeats made me giddy. I had visions of shedding time (and pounds).

But now that go time is eight days away, I'm not feeling butterflies in my stomach. Rather, it's more like a pit.

I've been running consistently over the past 5 weeks, and I'm getting comfortable at shorter distances. My runs are at least 3 miles, sometimes 4, but they are almost all at the same pace – start strong and fizzle. I'm adding a "long" run, too, on the weekends – shooting for 5 or 6 miles. I did this for the first time Saturday and made it 5 but the struggle was real for that last half-mile.

I have no pressing need to push the distance or the pace. Even though I declared this summer the season of the 5K, I am not registered for a single event at that distance. I'll be toeing the line at Fort4Fitness on Sept. 26 but I haven't handed over my credit card yet for the 10K or 4-mile race (or both). The only thing I really have to worry about is the Bourbon Chase and that is in mid-October.

And so I keep thinking, do I really need to start worrying about training? My fitness and average pace will improve with time, and I feel confident that I will run regularly without a schedule or journal to keep me accountable. I just had a baby (and C-section) 10 weeks ago, after all, and there's no need to put undue pressure on myself.

But.

The big but. I have to ask myself if my hesitation to use the Believe journal is because, well, I'm not ready to believe in myself yet. Am I questioning my physical ability to put in the work? Am I scared that I won't be able to push myself like I did last year? Do I not feel worthy of the journal?

I don't know. I just don't. But, I guess, I have eight days to figure it out.