Friday, March 27, 2015

All Things Considered

It has not been my week – for so many reasons.

Miles has been sleeping terribly. I have been sleeping terribly, if at all. The external version, which left me battered and bruised, did not work. Today, at my 37-week appointment, I scheduled my second C-section.

There have been other things, too. Things that I can't share here, in such a public place. They aren't life changing or earth shattering but during this week, they felt like it.

And so I've spent most of my waking hours in a mindless fog, teetering on the edge of crying and screaming. Sometimes falling into the pool of emotions, no matter where I may be.

But, on Thursday, I received a gift. It was unexpected. Beautiful. And exactly what I needed.

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I was able to run. It wasn't fast nor far but my heart pounded, my body sweat, my mind cleared. For 42 minutes, I was able to put distance between myself and the thoughts clouding my brain.

I wasn't so sure I had another run in me. It had been six weeks since I had been sidelined by piriformis syndrome and as recently as two weeks ago, I couldn't even trot to keep up with Miles on his tricycle. A step with any acceleration triggered the pain in my right glute, and I immediately slowed to a walk.

But on Wednesday, I was trying to cross the street to get to my car after work. The break in traffic was small and, without thinking, I jogged to the opposite sidewalk. I didn't realize what I had done until I was opening my car door. I had ran, in ballet flats, without pain.

Could I do it again?

After a rough night, I knew I needed to do something for me. I dropped off Miles at daycare and headed to the Y. The game plan: Walk a 10-minute warmup on the treadmill and do a version of my favorite workout – 1 minute intervals with 2 minutes rest. I would jog the intervals at 5.0 and walk at 3.0.

I was nervous when I hit the button for the first interval. What would it feel like? Would I be able to do it? Even if it didn't hurt, where was my fitness at?

It seemed like it took forever for the belt to speed up. I needed it to hit a running pace, to see how it would go. And it went ... I mean there was an awareness there but it was tightness from weeks of sitting. It wasn't pain.

I was so focused on mechanics that by the time the clock hit a minute, it barely felt like I had done something. I decided that I would change the interval, at least this time, to 2 minutes running and walk 3 minutes. But a good song was on, and I felt strong. When I saw the display go from 1:58 to 1:59 to 2:00 ... well, I just couldn't stop.

I would at 3 minutes, though, I told myself firmly. I hadn't so much as jogged 30 seconds in 6 weeks and here I am at 37 weeks pregnant. Let's be real – and safe, yo.

I repeated the 3 minutes jogging interval, with 2 minutes rest, four times. My workout was at 30 minutes, and I figured that I could do 40 and sort of make it to work on time. For the fifth interval, I'd jog until I couldn't and then cool down.

But the cool down never came. I just kept running, to quote Forest Gump. The feeling in my butt changed but never grew and my gait never changed. My arms swung, my breath deepened, my gaze turned sharp as I looked through the floor to ceiling windows at the downtown traffic.

At 42 minutes, I pressed stop. I had hit 3 miles, running the last 1.02 or 1.03 – maybe a bit more. I wiped my brow and clumsily reached for my locker key. A sip of Nuun. A deep breath. I steadied my hands on the rails and stepped down.

I waited for the pain but all I could feel was elation. For 42 minutes, I had felt like me. I had found her underneath the belly and the boobs, the bitterness and frustration. She was still there. No matter what happened, and lawd did things happen, I had that to hold onto. To pull me back.


  1. <3

    My heart is with you. Good job momma...hang in there...

  2. I am so sorry to hear that you won't be able to have a VBAC; I really know how disappointing that is. But no matter how they get here, it is just wonderful to hold that new little baby in your arms. Best of luck next week and great job on your running!

  3. Maybe have them do an u/s before when you go in for your c-section? You never know, maybe he'll flip between now and then! Just know that whatever happens with your birth that that is how it is supposed to happen.

    1. The doctor said this morning that they will do an u/s that morning. He definitely feels for me that the ECV didn't work. I am following some of the suggestions from I'm trying to ride the line of not getting my hopes up but not giving up.

  4. Awesome for you & maybe if the good Lord couldn't give you the delivery you wanted at least you got those 42 min. Good luck!!

  5. So happy that you were able to run! Sometimes a good sweat helps put life in perspective. I hope everything works out for you. Maybe baby boy will change his position and cooperate with your desire for a natural birth. Fingers crossed. Hang in there!

  6. Awesome that you had such an amazing run!! Good for you especially everything that you have been going through!!! Lots of hugs!! You are almost there!!! :)

  7. I am SO happy you got to run. Woohoo! Hang in there lady!

  8. This is awesome. I'm so glad you were able to do this and it is amazing this far along. I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with so many hard things right now, but if anyone can push through and triumph it's you. Thinking of you and Baby #2. xoxo

  9. so glad you could run! that definitely helps. as for everything else - like people mentioned above, it's very possible he will flip in time (a close friend of mine had a similar situation and the baby flipped last minute - but i realize everyone is different, so no matter what happens, i'm praying for a safe and quick delivery!) from what i understand, you are an incredibly tough and resilient person - i've always admired you. so hopefully when you need it most, you'll dig deep and find that strength and courage to get through this and everything else *hugs*