Sunday, January 26, 2014

State of Kim vs. Polar Vortex

Case No.  666-fu-4815162342-gowy       Doc. 1       Filed: 1/26/2014
A091 Rev 01/14       Criminal Case


for the District of Northeast Indiana

State of Kim


Polar Vortex


I, the complainant in this case, state that the following is true to the best of my belief and knowledge. On or about the date(s) of January 5, 2014, through January 26, 2014, in the region of the Midwest, including the District of Northeast Indiana, the defendant violated:

Code Section                       Offense Description
15:31                                   Conspiracy
18:235                                 Hate crimes
18:2                                     Aiding and abetting hate crime acts
1:1                                       Preventing life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness

The criminal complaint is based on these facts:

  • Long run paces that are 45 seconds per mile slower than in more temperate conditions
  • Two near disastrous incidents of a stuck vehicle on way or leaving long run meeting spot on Sunday, January 5, 2014, and Sunday, January 26, 2014
  • Forced conversations with half-naked women upwards of 70 years old in the YMCA locker room when conditions required runner to log miles on the treadmill
  • Running partners being forced to wipe off ice crystals from a not-recently-waxed upper lip
  • Canceled trip to visit fellow mother runner for a run and baby cuddles and the resulting sadness on Saturday, January 25, 2014
  • No fewer than 325 utterances of the word "shit" during an hourlong run on Sunday, January 26, 2014
  • 7.5 miles were logged when a mother runner should have been visiting her grandma but the trip was canceled because of hazardous road conditions
  • No fewer than three layers can be worn without risk of hypothermia and general discomfort
  • More than 2 training miles forfeited due to worsening conditions and waning motivation on Sunday, January 26, 2014
  • The impending forecast that shows no sign of relief in regards to snow or temperature
The State of Kim calls for the Polar Vortex to be incarcerated in solitary confinement for upwards of 1,212,395 years and pay fines of no less than $2,616.95 to cover the cost of a new treadmill, Saucony jacket and YakTrax. Damages may be sought for time and sanity lost on the trails and miles forced to be ran on the YMCA treadmill.


  1. If you need a witness to testify, I'm your girl. So over this weather.

  2. You are so witty but so true. This weather puts a damper on lots of outdoor activities. Can't wait until spring!

  3. I think you should ask for more money :)

    1. That's a lesson I need to learn for everything ;) I could use some running pants. This weekend, I stole a pair from Mark and had to hike them up like I was a granny.I am fairly certain that I won't look remotely good running until August.

  4. OMG! so funny but so sad!! I am so sorry that you are stuck in the polar vortex!!!