Monday, February 3, 2014

Chasing hope: A personal post

There are times when you just need to run, when you need a race. You need the miles, the pavement. You need to breathe hard, to find space. You need to work, to work toward something.

And since I became a runner nearly five years ago, I'm not sure I've needed the sport or an event more than I have needed it now.

I have been melancholy at best and severely depressed at worst in the past month. It's a fact I've alluded to here on this blog. And though the deeply personal reasons are not ones I'll spell out, it's fair to say that there are times in a relationship when you discover that not only are you not on the same page, you are not even reading the same book. It's hard, painful. Even more so when the "problem" is one you can't avoid.

As I've struggled in this period, I have found myself researching fall marathons, contemplating an epic 50K in December, mapped my way out mile by mile. I planned longer runs, or tried to (stupid weather), with my group. I registered for an out-of-town half marathon before seeking the typical approval of family. The more distance I covered, the more I could be separated from life.

What I realized, though, is it's all a distraction - a Band-Aid - and not a solution. I can run a third marathon but I would be doing it to get back at someone, which is not a good headspace to take on 26.2. I can run a 50K but would the snowy, icy trails really by the ice bath my sore soul needed?

Though the answer was no, it didn't take away from the fact that I desperately needed something. And that's when fate, maybe, stepped in.


On a nearly forgotten Pinterest board, I pinned the Bourbon Chase as a bucket list race. The 200-mile relay takes teams of 12 through the Bourbon trail of Kentucky, with exchanges at the famous distilleries of the Bluegrass State. Mark and I once visited some of those distilleries, and that trip will always have fond memories. To see the area on foot, I knew, would be a once in the lifetime chance.

It's a chance my twitter BFF Alyse knew I wanted and when someone she knew needed female runners for an open mixed team, it was my name she gave. She knows me well and, when she did so, did it because she thought it would be a fun thing. Little did she know it would be more than a race to me - it would be hope.

The race would be something to look forward to, something that I wanted for me (even if it was filling other needs). It would be a race that wouldn't compromise everything without holding out either. It would be insurance that if life didn't go as planned that I still had something for me. Even if the race didn't pan out as the team captain had more women than he needed (lucky guy!), the thought of doing it would carry me through some dark days.

On Saturday morning, though, I got the official word: I am a member of the Pirates of the Bourbon Trail open mixed team and on Oct. 10, I will set off on my first leg through the gorgeous countryside. I will live out a dream.

14 comments:

  1. I felt like I could have written this. Thank you for being so honest. I hope that this trying time is temporary. Thinking of you.

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  2. Sorry to hear you are going through some tough times, but I'm glad you have a fun race to look forward to his fall. Sounds pretty epic. Thinking of you.

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  3. I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I hope things start to brighten for you soon. The race sounds like fun. I lived in Louisville for about a year and a half, and that part of KY is beautiful in the fall. Are you a bourbon drinker?

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  4. Very cool. Sorry times are tough. I hope having this race in your future gives you solace.

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  5. I hope things get better for you and I'm thinking about you :). I agree with your post, sometimes running helps you through some tough times. I've run through breakups with old boyfriends and hard times with an old job. It always helps to have some hope in your favorite sport. I'm so happy that you are going to be part of the Bourbon Chase and I cant' wait to read all about it. Like HTC, I'm going to be living through your awesome race experiences.

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  6. I'm so sorry to hear you are going through a dark time right now. I'm glad you have running and goals to keep you going and I hope things turn around for you soon <3

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  7. so sorry to hear this! hope things start to look up - sending virtual hugs

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  8. I am sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time right now; I am thinking about you and hope things brighten up for you soon.

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  9. Random factoid; the first post of yours I ever commented on was about the Bourbon Chase back in 2012 sometime.

    Love you, doll. Smoochies.

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  10. If you ever need an ear or a shoulder, I'm only a (relatively) short drive away.

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  11. Reading this has made me feel very concerned for you. I hope you are getting the help you need, along with the race that will be a distraction from the things that are so bad. Hugs to you!

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  12. This is so exciting and way more fun than a marathon anyway! Kentucky is so beautiful, and you have run there before so you know what to expect.

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  13. Sorry that you are going through this.....thinking of you!! You are such an inspiration to me and so many! Thanks for all your help too btw!!

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  14. So sorry! Maybe it is the weather!! I hope that things get better soon!! I think the Bourbon Chase will really be something to look forward too! Keep your head up and be positive!!

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